Are We Giving Parents Room to Learn, Too?

Parenting is hard, and I think we need to say that out loud more often

There's a moment I've come to recognise when I sit down with parents after an observation.

I've just shared what I'm seeing.

Maybe it's around emotional regulation. How their child finds their calm, or doesn't, when things feel too big.

And I watch the parent take it in.

One of the most important things I try to say in that moment is this:

What I'm seeing is not the end of the story.

It doesn't mean your child can't develop these skills.

And then, often, the bigger message.

Our approach might need to change.

What worked with one of your children may not work with this one. That isn't a failure. It's just a different child.

Here's the part I think we skip over.

We tell parents, "You need to co-regulate." "You need to find your calm first."

Co-regulation simply means your calm helps your child find theirs.

It sounds simple.

As if it's a switch.

It isn't.

For many of us, it's a brand-new skill. One nobody taught us, and one we're expected to use in the hardest moments of the day.

So I wonder if we've ever stopped to say, out loud:

This is new to me.

I'm learning this too.

And alongside it:

I am trying my best.

As a therapist, I don't take lightly what it means when a parent comes to me and asks, "How can I help my child?" It's one of the most trusting things someone can hand you. They're bringing me their child, and a little of themselves too.

Then there's everything else coming in.

The calm, perfect parent on social media. The feedback from school. Advice from every direction.

It can give us a slightly warped picture of what parenting is meant to look like.

Because real life is a balance.

Time with your child. Getting your work done so there's food on the table. Time with your partner.

And somewhere in all of that, learning a new way to respond when your child is overwhelmed.

Change doesn't happen overnight.

Not in your child.

And not in you either.

Adapting yourself, when you're tired and the day has already asked a lot of you, is harder than it looks.

So this isn't an advice post.

It's an acknowledgement.

It's hard.

You're learning.

And you're still showing up.

So maybe the question isn't "Am I doing this right?"

Maybe it's this: when did you last give yourself the same patience you're asking yourself to give your child?